Summer of Love (of food and musicals. Nobody loves me.)

Well then You,

What a summer I have had! Grease was great. Totally got mentioned in all the reviews it had, with descriptions such as 'a standout moment of the show', 'manages to convey poignancy, as well as the steely shell of the character' and 'by far the strongest dancer on stage' all not applying to me. I am also including the review that apologised to me (and a ream of other people) for not mentioning me in favour of local people, thus inadvertently mentioning me. Gotcha. What I'd like to know is: WHERE WAS MY LOCAL PAPER? Reporting on some new benches in the shopping centre, probably.

I also went on a boat to Norfolk. This was a mixed bag/boat. Whilst I had a great time, and got to eat pub food almost every day, some aspects were disappointing. The ceilings were very low, so I think I lost more than a few braincells every time I smacked my forehead into them. One evening, we had a Chinese takeaway, delivered in a rather unscrupulous manner. We had to go and wait in a lane, and then a small car approached and flashed its headlights, signalling us to come to it. We then swapped a box for money. It all felt like what I imagine a drugs exchange to be like. Whilst I don't go outside often enough to meet drug-dealers, I feel as though I happened upon one that evening. 'Well,' I can hear you thinking, 'that doesn't sound too negative. More like something you'd laugh with your grandchildren about, really.' Well to you I say two things:

1. I hate children intently so it's rather unlikely that I would accidentally chance upon even one generation of offspring, let alone two. So stop thinking these silly things.

2. The tale does not end with the dodgy exchange. Whilst cutting open the first of my three vegetarian spring rolls (called 'pancake rolls' in the menu, but there was no hint of sugar or lemon so I don't believe it. And yes, three, so fucking judge me), my suspicion was aroused- cheeky- by its contents and its lack of resemblance to any spring rolls, pancakey or otherwise, so I asked around to ascertain whether it contained dead animals or not. It appeared that it did so I freely offered the remaining spring rolls to my meat-eating companions. Upon opening theirs, however, they announced that THEY WERE VEGETARIAN. The spring rolls, not the companions. So, the vegetarian status of the rolls was very  much hit and miss, and it honestly felt like I was in a horror film.

Oh yes, and I got three As and a B at AS Level. Whilst the B was in Drama- the industry I wish to go into- I am overlooking it as it is not really that proper a subject and I'll end up being a waiter or working at McDonald's anyway, who am I kidding?

So, that was my summer. It felt as though there was lots more, but time can be a fickle bitch, so seven weeks may seem like a fortnight. As I return to a proper schedule in terms of my life, I shall update this blog more regularly. See you then,

Yours autumnally,

M.

Grease Is A Word

Dear You,

I'm still not over Les Mis. I don't know why, but I keep waking up with a Fantine solo whirling round my head, which is proving difficult as I am two days into rehearsing Grease in the magical province of Manchester- Eugene, remember? It's been nice; mainly because I don't have to dance perfectly, 'cause my character's all socially awkward and that. Not like me at all... Also, a lot of people are talking about Pendletons and Birds and I'm not entirely sure what they mean. And I could be the only person without jazz trainers. But, like I said, I'm having a fun time, though I did want to be Rizzo.

AND on Saturday I went to see the Sound of Music in Regent's Park, which was delightful. I was slightly disappointed that Julie Andrews wasn't in it, but she's probably too busy being Queen of Genovia to fart around in a wimple/curtain dress any more. However, the Brigitta I saw was Little Cosette in the Les Mis film (which was shocking save for her and Samantha Barks), and I would've taken that Captain von Trapp in under two minutes And the production was spectacular so, yeah (eloquence there).

Perhaps the worst thing that could happen has happened without my noticing. Until now. Facebook now has hashtags?! THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW INFORMATION. To be fair, though, I always use really obscure hashtags like '#TropicalBleach' (in-joke with some people off the telly, actually) and '#MissUMoreThanUCanEverSayPlusOne' (a game of Twitter oneupmanship with a friend), so I kind of destroy the point of hashtags- unifying the twitterverse for all of its users. For god's sake, me.

So that's my life. Riveting, isn't it?

Yours Eugenely,

M.

The Time is Now. The Day is Here.

Oh You,

It's been too long, my dear friend. And for this I am sorry. Here's a recap of my life in the past few weeks:

- I did Les Mis (part A of today's title) and people actually seemed to like it. This was probably due to the French-themed bunting, but they clapped nevertheless. My mother was fairly disappointed that she hadn't been informed of the 'Bring Your Own Wine' situ, but it's good to remind people that life isn't always fair.
- I have had not one, but two, romantic liaisons. Their names? Ben. And Jerry...
- I went to Alton Towers yesterday- y'know, that one with the loopy rides and intermittent piles of sick? Anyway, I went on the Smiler ride, that new one, unknowing of the fact that just last week a bolt had slipped. I'm not joking, but shouldn't that have been mentioned beforehand? Anyway, just to spite the park for its unreliable Sonic Spinball ride, I decided to hold the most neutral expression possible for the photo, thus rendering their claim that the Smiler 'will make you smile' incorrect, and perhaps eligible for a legal dispute. Which brings me on to point number four:
- I have been magically introduced to the world of Drop Dead Diva. It's basically about this model who dies and gets put back in the body of a lawyer, so she's basically a lawyer now, except she's a bit thick. It's great and, coupled with Legally Blonde, has sort of persuaded me to pursue a law career. But alas! I must amend that personal statement that...I...have written...all...of...

And finally (seriously, M? That's all you've done in three weeks?), part the second of my title, today is my 17th birthday! Hooray for me, as it means there's only 365 days until I can sign up for internet dating, and let's be honest, I'm so going to need it. My parents bought me some amazing T-Shirts with Big Bang Theory and Modern Family references on, but I have just realised this:
They are a size 'L' (which, I'm assuming, stands for 'Large') and are FROM AMERICA. Apologies to any Americans out there (primarily for being American), but that country is generally rather large. And a 'large' there must be at least the equivalent of a 'XXXXXXXXXL' here. Right? Oh, they fit quite well and are great T-Shirts? Okay then, looks like I'll have to break up with Ben. And Jerry.

We really must stop meeting like this, You,

I WILL write soon,

M.

P.S. I hope I didn't offend any Americans, but that's how the world perceives you; the power of change is in your hands. Along with a Big Mac, probably.

Careful What You Say (Children Will Listen)

Hello to You,

Are you familiar with German cautionary tales? I am, unfortunately. If not, firstly watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOVSp-fYUQc

Then read this:
My Youth Theatre company performed this to some children today. They weren't impressed, despite perhaps the best devising I've ever done being put to great use, with the inclusion of lipstick, placards and lion masks for extra effect. Cretins. We did one of the ones in the video; the thumb-sucking one. As documented above, his thumbs get cut off at the end, which I think is a bit extreme for a small habit- although those who incessantly chew gum should have their jaws broken. We also did one about a boy who fidgets at dinner, making his parents displeased, and I thought that there wasn't much consistency between the punishments of the children- a girl burns to death after playing with matches, and this guy's parents are only displeased! Bloody hell. We did another one about a hunter and a rabbit-esque thing, but I'm not too sure where that was going. Down a well, I think.

Then we had to devise an original one. Oh Christ, I hear you thinking. The group leader 'came up' with the idea of some children who wouldn't be quiet, so a barber cut their tongues out. Originality at work. Instead, we did a thing about this girl who watched too much TV, had her eyes go square, and then ripped them out. I feel that 'lol' is the correct word here.

On the subject of children's stories, I've written my own for English Language. It's the Three Little Zompigs and it's great. It was originally Little Red Riding Zombie, but then I found out that something similar was already in existence, so I tweaked it slightly. Here's the original opening, followed by the revised edition- see if you can spot the difference:
'It was half-past ten and Mummy Zombie said
"Off you go, little child of the undead,"'

'It was half-past ten and Mummy Zompig said
"Off you go, little pigs of the undead,"

Cryptic, ain't it?

I hope it goes well, as I'm making an effort by creating felt characters, that make zombies/zompigs look adorable. Who knows? Perhaps you'll be seeing it on a bookshelf near you soon! Doubt it.

Yours zombierifically,

M.

P.S. If anyone steals my concept (again), I will make you into a zombie. And throw pigs at you. Good-day.

P.P.S. If you got the Sondheim title reference, extra brownie points. Unless, of course, you also steal my concept. Then you get minus points, as well as the aforementioned threats. Yeah, be scared.

Brizzle my Shizzle

Dear You,

I've been off at more uni open days. Today's was Bristol, and it was very nice. the town was pretty, I need to be on the Theatre And Film course, and they have something called 'Wingardium Levio-soc'; a Harry Potter society.

As I'm rather shallow, I judge the universities mainly on the quality of free shit they give out. Goldmiths had Chupa Chups (and the highest crime rate in the country, so ta-ra Goldsmiths) and Royal Holloway had chocolate. Ooh, chocolate... But Bristol had nothing! This made me think, however, that a good university doesn't need to pimp itself out with free tote bags to make itself look good. I just really want to get in...

Oh, and I won £2.70 on that Euromillions ticket. Well done me.

Yours concisely,

M.

157,000,000 Shades of Money

Dear You,

With the prospect of perhaps winning £157 million tomorrow, I naturally bought a lottery ticket. This seems to be one of my only tastes of gambling so far (the last lottery ticket I bought was on my 16th birthday- the night before that 100 millionaires thing before the Olympics or whatever), and will have to suffice until I am eighteen and can frequent Bingo Halls, mingling with old dears and middle-aged men whose lives have taken a wrong turn.

Anyway, this topic of conversation rather dominated our bus journey home, and mainly involved us discussing what we would buy. Here's my list:
- An alpaca farm
- A fleet of Segways
- A fleet of micropigs
- Houses in New York, London and Hollywood
- Shares in Disney
- A theatre
- A double-decker bus, in which I would put on plays
- A campervan (my friend smugly reminded me that she has a campervan. I told her that I'd give her some of my money. I lied.)
- A harp and lessons
- A homeless shelter (for homeless people, not me; keep up, I now have three houses)
- Disneyland
- A wok

I think I'd that's a worthwhile expenditure. Oh yes, and I'd fund a Smash reunion film.

In other news, it's my Grade Eight flute exam next week and I'm considering bludgeoning the examiner to death with said woodwind instrument, filling out the mark sheet myself, and giving myself almost full marks except on scales. If anything, I'm honest. On the other hand, I may buy my way through with the £157 million I'm inevitably going to win.

Yours hopefully,

M.

Filming Larks

Dear You,

This week, college is making a DVD to promote itself. Deciding that having people saying things like "I like drama here because I like to pretend to be other people" and "You're even allowed to eat your own food in the refectory!" (which is a lie), about seventy-five billion years late, in my opinion, they have decided to go arty. The idea is to have stop-motion people, with pictures being taken so we look a little jittery but, as I said, arty. This does mean that we have to move incredibly slowly, so the other day I was sitting on a field slowly applauding some people slowly playing football. This involved some very challenging acting on my part- I had to pretend to be enthusiastic about sport, and for an extended length of time. I did refuse to participate in the actual sport playing, mainly because I believe that shorts are the work of the devil, and not at all to do with the fact that I can't play football.

Today was fun. We did a scene set in a drama class (I felt at home there), and were allegedly in a play about war, because we only do depressing stuff in drama. We had to bring in WWII costume- as an eager beaver with an ex-RAF father, I was the only one who did. Looking rather dashing in a flight suit, the directory people, in their infinite wisdom, said that I should be dying, so I was liberally splattered with fake blood. It went in my hair, in my helmet (cheeky) and on my fingers. I would normally have minded the latter, but the blood consisted of treacle, syrup and food colouring, so I had no qualms with licking blood off my fingers. I still have sticky stuff in my hair though- euphemism very much intended.

I missed out on a mini-festival yesterday (because that's what all teenagers do after exams) because I went to Royal Holloway's open day. I've sort of fallen in love. It's like Hogwarts!!!

We finish the filming tomorrow, and we're expected to bring in some authentic-looking A Level results. Where I'm supposed to get those I've no idea, so I'll probably steal somebody else's. To be fair, that's what's going to happen on actual results day, so it'll be good to get some practice in.

I'm off to wash my hair,

Yours extra-specially-slowly,

M.