How To Play in a Wind Band

Dear You,

Whilst attempting to play the twiddly bits in Mars this evening, I came up with the definitive guide to playing in a wind band:

1. Tuning is irrelevant; whenever tuning, just keep altering it to give the impression that you know what you're doing. Anyway, it's good to have at least one person out of tune, as it makes your section's bit more audible for the audience.

2. If you can't play the notes, you have one of two options:
i) Choose your own
ii) Don't play any

3. As long as you play something during the most important/easy bits, you'll be fine and dandy, as well as making everyone believe that you know what's going on.

4. If you ever play something, and it goes audibly wrong, you again have two options:
i) Pass it off as purposeful
ii) Blame the person sitting next to you
Obviously the latter is more difficult, as they will probably utter an objection, yet silence them with insults and "God, x!" to your heart's content.

5. If you're ever criticised or you just don't like the music, leave.

6. If you have the misfortune to be at the front of a section, it's easy to rely on other people an then pass their attention possession of as your own with an elegant, charismatic posture. Similarly, always have a backup partner if riddled with a solo- alternatively, you can turn it into a jazzy freestyle, ignoring the notes written.

7. Play the bits you can do first, leaving other people to do the difficult parts.

8. Rests, tempo instructions and dynamics are a repressive reminder of the patriarchal society in which we live, and should be ignored or interpreted at all costs.

9. Varying acoustics in performance spaces mean that you can choose the tone you most like, and nobody will be any the wiser; if somebody finds out, refer them to rule one.

10. Always be aware that music lives forever, so is perfect for experimenting with different ways of performance, from silence to 'altered' (never 'wrong') notes. It's your time your wasting/spending, so waste/spend it how you chuffing well like.

And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I played in the band-wide rest at the end of Mars...

M.