Maths Shmaths....

Dear Whomever is Marking my Maths Exam,

I apologise. I'm sorry for what you've just read. I know that writing r as 16√2 was probably wrong, so shall we overlook that? I drew you a picture for the question I couldn't even attempt to answer, so I think my fairly precise freehand circle deserves at least two marks. And I spelt my name right on the front, so I feel that warrants some points.

But it's not my fault. How fair is it that I'm being marked on the ineptitude of my teacher? A man whose own face has grown bored of the incessant bleakness its mouth is emitting? A man who, when faced with a wealth of pupils absent the previous lesson, told them to 'copy it from someone else' and then 'carry on with your revision'? Who can't/won't make a 'th' sound? (I tell you, it's a bad day when learning about 've feeta notation' and the number 'free')

So no, I'm not going to answer this question, and I'll tell you for why; because I spent the lesson where my teacher was droning on about tangents trying not to tear off my own body parts to bludgeon either one of us to death, as well as refraining from stabbing myself with a fountain pen. And, frankly, the centre of a circle and its radius is not sufficient information for me to formulate a proper answer/guess. What I can do for you is draw you a picture of what you've told me, with a few numbers drawn on, in the hope that you will take pity on me, the poor failed mathematician with fountain pen-induced holes in his hands. It doesn't matter if not; I got a letter saying that my tonsillitis has impeded my revision, which it has- I've spent the majority of this past week in either a bath or a bed, wishing that I had been born throatless.

Furthermore, I'd like to blame both yourselves, Edexcel, and AQA, both of whom were unable to schedule a Maths and English Language exam at different times. Come on, guys! You're arguably the two largest exam boards in the country- can't you coordinate? While I'm on the subject, AQA, can I ask you something? WHAT WAS THAT GENDER QUESTION? It was supposed to be about how many people thing that women have no opinions and don't swear, but that would've been too easy, wouldn't it? I don't wish to write an essay about a man's health supplement, ta.

So what I'm saying Mr/Mrs Examiner, is pity me. Give me marks. I tried; it would've been easy not to, given the two hours I had to spend in isolation, with only people I vaguely knew of and a slice of chocolate cake to keep me company. Please.

Yours desperately,

M.

P.S. I finished my AS Levels! Thank feck for that. Let's swiftly move on, shall we?

P.P.S. I now have two weeks off, and I have no idea what i', going to do for the majority of them. Maybe I should take up a hobby. I'm thinking cross-stitch, life-drawing, the stock market? I think the facts that:
a) My friend has a BTEC in Business Studies
b) We both made about £8 each selling Santa Hats in Year 11
c) I can sort of do numbers
will definitely help with the last one. As for cross-stitch and life-drawing, perhaps I could combine the two? Maybe create a Lady Godiva tapestry, of sorts?

Or I could spend them in bed. I like that one.