City of HELL NO

Dear You,

Having seen the trailer, and seeing that it had Robert Sheehan in (would probably take a bit of Robert Sheehan if it was offered), I ordered the book of City of Bones.

However, I was disappointed when I opened the parcel to see this:

There, bold as a vomit stain on a mattress, is a review from Her. Stephenie Meyer, or, as I like to call her, Satan. I have never read something as awful, meaningless and downright irresponsible as that ghastly series of books she has, seemingly, just thrown together out of some words. She has arranged the English language in such a way that it makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a spoon that has been on a septic floor for much longer than the allotted ten seconds (as stipulated in the Rule, as everyone knows). Not only is this quotation on the front of the book, oh no, it is on the back as well. It's exactly the same line, except with a couple of words on either side, making it seem as though Steph can't think of much more than a sentence, plus some sparkly vampires.

I know we're not to judge a book by its cover- both figuratively and literally- but whoever invented that motto clearly lived in a world not yet plagued with Bella Swan, a girl who really should've died on the first page, thus ruling out three more 'novels' and five films. Five.

I hope this book is better than what its publisher obviously thinks of it; that it's in the same, lower-than-hell 'league' as Twilight. What do you think of it, You? I'd love to know. Strangely, I think I remember a Meyer comment on The Hunger Games, so maybe her reading is better than her writing.

Well, there's not much worse than the latter, really. Except maybe genocide or something, at a push.

Yours bookishly,

M.

P.S. I had a Fab today. I think it was the first time in donkeys' years (unsure of the apostrophe placement there; someone please enlighten me. Is it like the greengrocer one? Anyway, I digress...) that it's been warm enough to have one. However, the design of this chilly delight is not flawless. I always find myself growing bored after the chocolate is gone. So my plan is this: cover the whole thing in chocolate. Simple yet effective. Sales will be through the proverbial roof. Also, I noticed, one Fab was 90p, yet a box of three cost £1.50; something's not right here. Similarly, one jam doughnut was 33p, making the three individual ones available totalling 99p. A five-pack of raspberry deliciousness (or was it strawberry? I'm fairly sure neither variety has ever actually seen a real fruit, to be quite honest. Digressing again....) would set you back a bargain 69p. Doesn't this encourage people to buy more unhealthy foods? Frankly, Sainsbury's, I blame you for national obesity. Makes your 'live well for less' slogan seem a bit bullshitty.

I bought one Fab, since you ask. And yes, it was Fab.