Hello You,
Like almost everyone on this planet, I am a Facebookite. Like most of humanity, I am obsessed with liking things, posting hilariously irrelevant pictures and pretending to be friends with people I hate. More than a couple of things on Facebook annoy me wholly (is that pronounced like 'wally' or like 'holey'? We'll never know.) Just a few of these things are:
- I doubt VERY much that ignoring this will result in my expulsion from Heaven, the appearance of a dead child in my bathroom cabinet, the spread of cancer, or a combination of the three. Furthermore, not 'liking' a photo does not automatically mean that I do not like my mother; in fact, I am sure it means the opposite, as I do not need a group of pixels to confirm my feelings towards immediate family members.
- I WOULD NOT LIKE A VIRTUAL TRACTOR. Nor would I like to help you bake virtual cakes, nor would I like to help you hunt virtual sex-pest vampires. It's fine if your life is so mundane that you need an arable desktop to keep you entertained, but please don't tell me every time you harvest some strawberries- the world does not want to know about your internet cultivation. (Does that sound weird?) What also gets my goat (I don't have a goat, just to clarify; I think it's been 'got') is the endless stream of screenshots of '4 Pics 1 Word' which have mind-numbingly simple answers, which their posters cannot seem to decipher. Isn't a game supposed to be fun? Well, seeing an assortment of images of sunbathing women every time I log on to Facebook is not fun for me.
- Something else with goat-nabbing propensity is the fact that a large majority of status updates are rife with spelling and grammatical errors. This is the internet! Not a cave wall in prehistoric times. We have spellcheck, which even the most maleducated individual can use. Therefore, I see no reason why Facebook's users cannot grasp the concept of the English Language. However, at least on Facebook I don't have to hear morons pronounce the letter 'h' incorrectly.
I think Facebook should have observers that police each status, like and comment. These invigilators will have the power to immediately suspend any user after a three-strike policy. What's more, everyone should have a rating on their profile: the twatometer. This will give a percentage rating of correctly-written contributions, plus extra marks for verbosity. An indication of the person's strike rating will also be given, allowing others to decide whether to add, decline or remove the perpetrator.
Plus, removing friends should be easier; it gives me so much satisfaction,
M
P.S. I was thinking today; what would songs with names in be like if they were to feature different names? Would 'Valerie' and 'Delilah' be as popular if were titled 'Emma' or 'Lisa', the most popular girls' names of their respective years of release? I think they would probably have the expectant mothers market covered, no problem.
P.P.S. It has emerged among my friends that it is commonplace to decide upon your outfit for the following day the night before. Is it just me that's new to this? Please tell me if this is a normal thing- I'm a bit worried.
P.P.P.S. Some 12mm knitting needles arrived today (I say that out of happiness, not surprise; I mean, I did know they were coming, what with having purchased them, but anyway:) which are very big (naughty) and look a little like drumsticks. I hope I get to use them soon, like by knitting a hat or stabbing a burglar.
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