Early Morning Blues

Hi You,

Waking up early: it's one of the things that everyone has to do, whether it is to attend to a screaming child (my worst nightmare), go to work, or to apprehend a burglar.

I have to get up at seven o'clock every morning- "not that early," I hear you say in that annoying way of yours (I'm so sorry, You, take me back!)- but I always struggle to keep my eyelids open, let alone heave myself out of bed and function like a normal person. Over the past few early mornings, when I have failed to leave the cosy retreat that is my bed (mainly due to New Duvet Day), I have been thinking of ways to remedy this. Here they are:

1. If you have a device that can play music as an alarm set it to either:

i) an inspirational song, such as 'Let Me Be Your Star' from Smash (love that programme) or 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera (love that song a bit less). This will make you feel ripe and ready for the forthcoming day, and not want to punch anyone who even slightly irritates you in the slightly irritating face. Something fun is to make your alarm the Eastenders theme, which adds a real dramatic flair to your morning- nothing like waking up to the stirring sound of lots of drums.

ii) a song that you hate, like 'The Duck Song' off the internet, or anything by Nicki Minaj. This will make you want to leap out of bed to turn it off. Additionally, you can put your device somewhere really far away, and get up purely to stop the incredibly horrific noise it emits. Alternatively, get a friend or family member to hide it somewhere in your bedroom; more fun for your daybreak!

2. Invent/purchase a bed that is really comfy at night, but feel like a billion hypodermic needles at the exact moment you wake up. This also helps you get to sleep more quickly, so really is the dog's gentleman-parts.

3. Steal a drip from a hospital. If you can (I'm not too familiar with the ins and outs of medical equipment), programme it to inject coffee/pure caffeine into your veins a short while before you wake up. One word: foolproof. Similarly, engineer a bucket of water linked to a cuckoo clock, so that when the cuckoo emerges at the time you want to get up, it tips the bucket onto your face. Admittedly, this could be a tad damp, but it gets you out of bed. You're so welcome.

I understand that some of these ideas are a little long-winded; who has Nicki Minaj on their iPod? But they could be the stepping stone to a great career in waking-up. And if anyone does invent the bed designed in point 2., I will salute you/sue you for plagiarism.

M.

P.S. The knitting pattern I am currently following is described as being 'knitted at a colossal gauge (can you finish one during a sitcom?)', which confuses me. Surely it can't mean making a complete hat during a sitcom, because, as everyone knows, sitcoms are generally 21-28 minutes in length and, as only I know, it took me about that time to do three rows. In answer to the question, I can finish one during a sitcom; as long as I stick on Fawlty Towers while I'm on my last few rows. What they ask instead should be 'can you start knitting during a sitcom and finish knitting during the same sitcom?' although I admit that this is less easy to read despite its ambiguity-cleansing properties. Furthermore (oh God, there's more), is this a challenge? Is it a threat? AM I a bad knitter because it took me over 28 minutes to knit a hat, and does this incur a penalty? I'm actually quite scared that there'll be a knock at the door this evening and I'll open it to see the Knitting Police waiting for me. Oh, you don't know about the Knitting Police? 

Well they know all about you...